1 month on

Dear Daddy,

A month has gone by, and we are still not ready to accept that we have lost you. Not that we expect our recovery would be fast, but it is harder to accept because you just went off like that. We all saw it coming but we could not prepare for that last moment. You had to leave without a word.

I still get flashbacks of you lying in the ICU ward unconscious with the high frequency machine pumping hard at your motionless body. Today the picture of you consciously struggling with the ventilator came into my mind. It was totally heart-wrenching... I won't forget how hard I cried when I said your suffering was making my heart ache so much. Although you looked peaceful when on the high frequency ventilator I know the suffering was equally bad if not worse. I told Angie that telling myself how much you suffered reminds me to be consoled that you are now at a better place. It is my one and only consolation.

You've been an awesome daddy. You took care of us, and then you took care of yourself so that you could continue taking care of us. You even made sure as much of administrative matters were taken care of as possible way before you went to the hospital, so that we need not handle too much administrative work after you leave. You have done every bit of your ability to fulfil your role as a father. You did not fear dying; you only feared how our hearts would break.

Daddy, although I'm oftentimes self-controlled about my mourning in my daily go-abouts; sometimes when I come before you I would cry so uncontrollably. Was it you? Were you trying to let me know you were just beside me?

When I think about it, I realised the one who has to deal with the most is yourself. You were quiet and did not say much, but it was you who had to deal with the shock of knowing you have not much time left in this world. It was you who had to deal with all the physical pain the cancer was causing you. It was you who had to deal with the stress of worrying what would happen to the family after you leave. It was you who had to act strong and fine just so that your family didn't need to worry about you. What is our heartbreak compared to your misery?

I miss you, daddy. I know you want us to move on, so I have already started living my usual life. It is still so hard... And will continue to be so for a while. But please don't worry, we will get there eventually... You live in our hearts forever.