Daddy Dreams

On the night of Chinese New Year, sleeping at the Homestay I dreamt that Daddy came to Homestay to take a look.

2 nights ago, I dreamt that Fer and I were fighting over possession of some stuff (not clear what) with a China woman who claimed to be somehow related to Dad in a way. As a last resort she called Dad on her mobile to speak to us, and when I took over the phone I heard Dad crying...


I don't even know how to find out what these dreams mean. Maybe my dreams are weird and don't mean anything much. But I am sure it points to the fact that Daddy is still dearly missed.


After what has been a year since he was diagnosed with the relapse, the counting down and suffering began and has been going on. How I wish I could be convinced Daddy didn't feel sorry or regretful about leaving us..........

Acupuncture

I had a bout of pain in the big toe joint on my left foot yesterday just after dinner.

It was really weird because during practice in the afternoon I had not experienced any sprain so the pain made me really confused. The pain was bad enough that I had to limp the entire evening :(

This morning, had to push myself to go to the gig that was already planned for. It was funny that I couldn't walk properly but could still dance :P It was a good thing indeed that the shows went on smoothly...

Here's how my joint looked like before this morning's performance (was already very painful)


After performance


After the gig I went searching for a doctor but none of the clinics were open in the afternoon on Sunday; so Mum brought me to a Chinese acupuncturist that was open for business.

He said some stuff that Mum and I didn't feel comfortable about :( But that's for me to confirm after tomorrow.

Physician gave me some acupuncture treatment to relieve the inflammation... First time doing acupuncture! Good thing it wasn't scary :P



Let's hope I'll be okay soon... :)

It's a pity to be Jaded

This is what 2011 left me with:

A cracked phone and a lost earring.

When each incident happened I just wanted to yell and kick myself again and again. I still want to kick myself now :(

• I can't sell my phone anymore in the event I wish to upgrade a mobile phone :( My pretty white Blackberry is scarred for life :'(
• No more beautiful, exquiste earrings to go with my red and pink bellydance costumes. The pair has followed me for many years and has always been one of my most prized earrings...

Seriously feels sickening to lose your favourite things. And during the last 2 hours of 2011, seriously???!!!

Those are just the tip of the iceberg. It looks like I'm 100% not set to welcome 2011.

1. The first resolution for 2012 I made for myself was during September 2011. I told myself I would get my driving license in 2012. Today, I realise that if you made a resolution you dread, you won't look forward to the New Year
2. By the 2nd last day of 2011, I decided not to make resolutions for the New Year because I am simply too busy feeling depressed about life - work, personal aspects. Sigh

And these are permeating into my attitudes about almost everything else

1. Passed by 3 wedding receptions at Marina Mandarin hotel before my gig last night, and another 2 at my neighbourhood this afternoon. I believe anybody in the right frame of mind would be feeling happy for the couples and basking in the celebratory atmosphere, but there I was being totally unbelieving that crazy people exist to stress themselves and the world around them to the max. Don't they understand what "stress" is? Do they not think the world is stressful enough on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day? Do they not think weddings alone are stressful enough? Do they HAVE TO COMBINE THE 2?? Some people have very serious suicidal thoughts. I prefer to be relaxed
2. While everyone was happy and excited, feeling hopeful and aspirational about the New Year, all geared up about partying till 10am, I just felt like it was another party and 1am is the time to go home and get sleepy. Seriously, it's just another day tomorrow. Get on with life, man.

Perspectives are very different depending on where you are looking from. I am in the middle of a tough job, getting over the loss of a loved one, trying to help the surviving loved one ease into life... there's so much to juggle and nothing I'm juggling looks promising or hopeful as far as I am concerned.

For me, it's "Just get on with life man, seriously."


I know with so many managers at different occasions telling me I have "high energy level", the observation cannot be wrong. One even told me I have 'too much energy'. Yeah, so much energy that I flicked my own earring away during my dance performance and dropped my phone from walking too fast while rushing to the next gig *rolls eyes*

To start thinking positively - I know I am endowed with energy to channel into useful stuff... I know I have lots of power to change things.

But first of all, I need to believe that things... will get better.

守得云开见月明

I am believing that this proverb will see me through my difficulties now... :)

PERSEVERANCE and HARD WORK are key!!!

引自《水浒传》：
莫语常言道知足，万事至终总是空。
理想现实一线隔，心无旁骛脚踏实。
谁无暴风劲雨时，守得云开见月明。
花开复见却飘零，残憾莫使今生留。


Interpretation:
守得云开见月明，是指能坚持到最后的人才能看到风雨过后的彩虹，看到希望和胜利。守得云开见月明是一种 坚持和永不放弃的积极乐观的精神。意思就是说只有坚持到底的人才能等到拨云见日，云散月


Source: 百度百科

Dance Chameleon

This is the second year that I'm taking part in BDD's concert. Having been so busy with the Asia Global Bellydance competition the month before I took a step back in the shadows to 'recuperate' and spend time with family. So I was involved rather minimally in the concert - performed 3 items that did not take too much of time commitment. Was happy for that! At least for that period of time.

The students' performances probably took up the large part of the concert so there was quite a lot going on; but I guess you will just be able to peek at pictures relating to my performance items here :P

Some backstage photos first...

This is my famous picture taken by Tyan backstage with her iPhone :P


I was stuck in the star-studded room where there were so many celebrities!! To list them all...

Hong Hui Fang


Popular Serkan Tutar


Maggie the super sporting!


... And there was 80-year-old Lily Ong as well, which I don't have a picture of.

Some camwhoring... ;)

Sensual Tyan and I


The dancers Tyan, Yvonne and myself ;)


With Jenni too!


Yay we look like some erotic pornstar dancers!


So nice photo :)


Serkan and his Singapore angels :)


Some stage photos...

Sizzling drums performed by Serkan and his Angels - love how it looks when we pose to start!






Sizzling drums - rehearsal photo


This was the real thing! :)


AngelStars performing Y-shimmies








Burlesque - I am in the background here but I kinda like how I looked, hehe!


Burlesque final pose


That's me hugging Fiona happily after finale :)


I told you it was a star-studded night!! ;)
PS/ Lishuang sweetie and Fer sweetie with her boyfriend were so sweeet to come and support me! :)


The concert was a success due to the instructors' hard work... everything went on without a glitch! It takes A LOT to have shows go on so smoothly! Really kudos to them for their committment and passion to give students so much time and concentration.

Till next time! Hope to put up better and better shows in time to come! :)

The Halloween 2011 entry!

All right, this Halloween entry came quite late, but as they say, better late than never ;P

It happened to be a Halloween weekend on the trip that I visited RajG last month, and his salsa studio had a Halloween party going on. Adventurous RajG needed some fun badly so I went along with him :) This is our first Halloween spent together and I think we did well as a couple ;) Y We really had a lot of fun! Lots of credit to RajG for being the really excited sporting one and coming up with so many interesting ideas! :)


Preparation..
Painting nails in between makeup. RajG got black nail polish specially for the occasion, hurhurhur.

I was genuinely resting here cause I had been feeling so unwell since the afternoon before. Got the flu bug and throat was hurting so bad :(

But I look like I had just been fed on right??? :P


The blood is RajG's idea by the way, as is the syringe he brought along to make the blood effect :P
PS/ I designed his blood streaks :P I am quite impressed with myself for my art work even when I was so sleepy.


On the way to his salsa studio RajG was teaching me how to act like vampires (he watches a lot of such movies and I don't, you see). "Slowly, we must walk, take every step deliberately. We must be really cool. Take our time..."

I just wanted to laugh every time he put on his vampire mode :P

Now! Meet the vampire couple! :P
PS/ Don't you love the make up I did for him? The fangs were his idea too! But the size of the fangs fit him better :P


We were sooooo cool :D


This angel is a bit too happy for us, haha!


There were some other really interesting dress-ups too like a butcher and Star Wars character. Cute Halloween!

I knew my character dress-up worked quite well when a few dancers teased me about it. All right, not too bad!

I went home so sick, but really happy that RajG enjoyed himself so much. He was even dancing like a cool vampire!! So funny! Y ;P According to RajG our photos were up on his studio noticeboard the day after Halloween :)


Hope you enjoyed my little Halloween entry! ;)

Meet my new redcurlyhair Vaio F

Ever since my HP Pavilion laptop gave me its severely laggy problems I had turned to Dad's laptop for any PC-related stuff I need to do. Mum was especially concerned because she was afraid I would damage Dad's laptop (me being the likeliest person to do so because she deems me bad at taking care of stuff :( - and I have changed 3 laptops after all, the last having a lifespan of only about 1.5 years :P) so she hurried me to get a new laptop for myself.

I, on the other hand, had not intended to get a new laptop because I was not prepared to spend and I didn't believe I have that many necessary uses for a laptop.

But sigh, being the IT geek that I am, I gave in. And I DO use the PC very often... what was I deluding myself about 0.0

I LOVE technology :)


Presenting my new Vaio F and all the accessories that came free with it! Thanks to Mum who took the patience to help me dig at places where we could get more freebies :D (Oops, forgot the antivirus software in the picture...)

After having owned 3 HP laptops, this is the first time I ever said I 'love' a laptop. It's not just because of the brand, but also because its specs, physical design etc are seriously LUXURIOUS. I purposely got a 16" by the way because I wanted a power computer that has good viewing capabilities since I watch so many videos. The fact I don't need a light laptop because I am not going to carry one around (I can use a mobile phone or a PlayBook for that purpose) helps me decide to get a POWER computer with big screen! :D

Without going into all those details about how sturdy and cool this computer is, I absolutely LOVE my Vaio F! Every detail is purrrfect! Y

Being a 16" laptop the adapter is shocking!! Look at the adapter for 14" HP Pavilion laptop (top) and compare with that of the new Vaio 16" (bottom)...


Check out how solid the adapter is...!


Fits in my hand fine (okay actually it is bigger than my hand) but it is heavy!


I LOVE the anti-glare screen, it is so useful! I've always hated how glossy screens reflect the light from my back blinding my eyes. The fact that you could see the content of the screen from the sides is a great bonus... awesome for watching movies!


I also love the keyboard for the awesome solid, springy feel. The LED lights are cool, althought a little distracting (I haven't tried finding out if I can turn them off yet). I love that the keyboard is big enough to fit the number keypad... I love it max! I've been using it every time I can since I got the laptop... hehe.

redcurlyhair Vaio F with lid closed. Yes little redcurlyhair Vaio F gave itself a tattoo just yesterday ;)


redcurlyhair Vaio F with lid open Y Isn't the matte finishing of the laptop so absolutely wonderful?? Y Y

Okays that's enough of an intro... I am off to enjoy more of the experience of my new laptop...!!

Tata!

On to greener pastures!!

My new workplace :)



I know I am crazy but I really am over the top of the world to have secured my job at Philips. If you think about my job history you'd probably be able to understand rightaway why ;) But most importantly this is my DREAM JOB ever since I graduated from NUS 5 and a half years ago. I feel as if I'm going from the bottom, past the average mark and going right over the top - that's a huge distance to suddenly jump to!

It's really personal if I tell you how seriously I take my career, how important it means to me and how essential it is to me to have pride, recognition and stability in any work that I do. While I know realities may turn out quite hard in many ways I haven't thought of before I start work, I honestly believe I will still be happy to strive during adversity and aim for the goal I set for myself, in the right environment.

My job search this round has been quite a success. In all I had scheduled 3 interviews and had to turn down another 4 due to accepting the job offer from Philips, but so far I had not turned down anything that is as good as this :)

I feel very lucky and blessed and will try my absolutely best to shine in my job and develop my career to the fullest!! I can't wait to start work!!! :D

I know Daddy is going to be so proud of me :)

10 Life Lessons You Should UNLEARN

Chewing on these...

In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:

1. Problems are bad.

You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems suck. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.

2. It's important to stay happy.

Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.

3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past.

Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.

4. Working hard leads to success.

Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...

5. Success is the opposite of failure.

Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.

6. It matters what people think of me.

"But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

7. We should think rationally about our decisions.

Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff.

Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect.

Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.

10. Loss is terrible.

Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.


Written by: Martha Beck
Source: Oprah.com

Asia Global Bellydance Competition 2011

Hello! I have a couple of entries to write and actually chronologically (I almost typed 'chronically' :P) this post should be one of the later ones. BUT the thought of publishing a colourful entry of beautiful pictures is just SO HARD TO RESIST :P...

Plus, this entry will probably help me kickstart my thinking/ reflection process...


Anyways, so I shall start first with sharing my experience at the ASIA GLOBAL BELLYDANCE COMPETITION!

It's been such a horribly tough competition to prepare. I took part in both solo and troupe categories, meaning I have 4 items in total to prepare, and I couldn't just 'get them done'; I had to work towards competition standard! What with work to handle, Mum to appease, stress from the competition, and trying to catch up on rest etc... I shiver even as I think of it all now :(
It was a good thing the effort managed to pay off in awesome ways. I did not win big titles or prizes but the experience itself was multiple times more rewarding to me than anything else for now. It speaks pretty much for someone who is 'results-oriented' rather than 'live in the moment'... :P But then again I'm probably saying these because I already managed to win at least one small title (talk about relief :P)
Okay those aside, I'm going to tell you how the hard work paid off (it is important to know these because I made so many personal sacrifices during this time!! :3)...

• I danced on an awesome, awesome stage for both solo and troupe - I wasn't good enough to dance more than once on stage on my own but at least I had the chance to do it a few times in a troupe. I am really glad :)
• I met so many different dancers from Asia that I realise how small a dancer I am really. I feel so inspired at the end of it all!
• I got to win something, which is an achievement that I've been yearning for years already! Finally some form of recognition!! :)
• Most importantly, I was so happy to have had the chance to bask on the big stage under the sparkling limelight... In fact I was given so many opportunities to do it that I was intimidated :P I know how it feels like to be a celebrity now (well almost truly)... having acted like one, performed on a stage like one, and been treated like one :P

Finally, some pictures to share... :)

First night of competition - Singapore Leg. I took Friday afternoon off work to get prepared for the show at night. Being the first night of competition the atmosphere was naturally quite tensed and everyone was rushing item after item so we could finish the show on time! I performed a total of 4 items, but it was really the waiting that was killing, and the rushing to change for items. You can be sure I was so glad to finish the last item! Eventually the show ended at past 11pm!

Here's us camwhoring while waiting at the dressing rooms for results. Was a looooong wait while judges finalised results. While the top performers were dying of anxiety we were just glad our performances were over! :P

Sexy black ballerinas vs. Cute cupcake samba girls


Cute black ballerinas vs. Sexy cupcake samba girls


With Jenni and Maggie, our very lovable dancemates!


Angelstars were happy to be placed 2nd runner-up in the Singapore Leg, qualifying for the Asia Leg competition! :D

It had been a ridiculously tough competition, with lots of surprises in the results, at least so when I was backstage not able to watch the performances live.

I was actually very relieved that I was left with just the troupe items to focus on after Friday. Only that I wasn't so happy about my solo performances... was hoping at least to perform up to the standard of the competition :( Going to seriously reflect what had gone wrong over the past year and which way I wanna move in from now on (which will be a separate story)...

Mum came to support me that Friday night, made me sooo happy! At least I could show her what all the late nights I spent and hard work was for... :) Went for supper with mum and Raj after at Makan Sutra. I was glad :)

Supporters for Friday night.



Saturday night was Asia Leg competition - we met contestants from so many other countries! But I was simply too tired to whisk my camera away :p Counted on everyone else with camera to do the job. Haha! ;)

In terms of morale, Angelstars continued to strive as a team, although we were well aware that competition was even stronger that night. Frankly we were just happy to be qualified to perform for the Asia Leg; winning further wasn't in our minds anymore! We were just there to do our best and enjoy the stage!

Pictures on day of Asia Leg competition...

Don't we just totally look like CELEBRITIES being stopped by a journalist after our performance? ;) Thanks, Akiko!


Presenting... the Singapore finalists of the Asia Global Bellydance Competition!


Angelstars messing about in the dressing room. Hehe!


Angelstars with Nadia


Stage photo... Y



Auntie Sally very kindly came to support me on Saturday night. Really happy to have had her around!


He is the sun that brightens up my gloomy days!!! Y



Gala night of Asia Global Bellydance Competition...

Prize presentation was on this day, so all winners whether from Singapore Leg or Asia Leg had to perform. Disrupted part of itinerary with Raj... another sacrifice :(

The glorious moment - Presenting Angelstars with their medals :)


Bim Bim and Bo Bo having fun flirting with the camera :P




CELEBRITIES!!!!


Angelstars with medals. This picture is so heartwarming! Indeed all the happiness is written clearly on our faces...


Nice picture with Yuki our trainer, hehehe


The next 3 are my FAVOURITE pictures. I think they are good enough to be made into a series of ads :p Angelstars rocks!!! Heehee ;)






With judges


Simona said we are very beautiful dancers :)


We had a contestant from Mongolia and she brought a TV channel reporter! This TV reporter is sooo cool!


Some crazy photos! :)








Photo with Erick Guansing the singer!


Photo with Annie Pek, SSF's founder :)


To conclude it all, my thoughts after the competition are really mixed. The intensity of the the stress built up to the competition was so huge, I felt completely thrown off-balance. Consciously allowing myself to work in the off-balance mode (out of no choice) during the last days leading up to the competition made me hate myself for a while... I promised to do myself justice by reflecting carefully my life goals and deciding how dance fits into them... It's all a matter of choice, and tough are choices we have to make :(

Maybe one thing is for sure... winning any competition is simply not on my mind, if I have to sacrifice my health or the happiness of my loved ones...

Well, will continue my thoughts in another entry. Meanwhile, congrats to Aniqa for pulling through such a tough competition!!! Hugs myself :)